https://tidal.com/track/61807235/u

In today's sketch, I confronted my vanity. The quiet moments I spend in front of the mirror after a day of compliments from others and my own self-admiration. Humility levels are at an all-time low during these occasional moments; I may fantasize about the adoration and flirtation a younger, single me once encountered quite regularly.

I told Mr. Lupe today - “I'm a victim of my own success.”

Indeed, more regularly than not now, strangers, especially servers, especially men and older women, no longer hold me in the same light. They speak to me as if I'm wasting their time and as if I'm dumb for struggling to say what I want to say as quickly as they'd like to hear. Unlike Mr. Lupe, I didn't need to build this skill when I was 10 years younger. I used to struggle all the same , but I used to be charmed at or sweet-talked irregardless. I also didn't need to worry about where I'd get a meal, as, often, a young man I was mildly friendly to would offer one that very night. Mr. Lupe himself tutored me after picking me up and dropping me off night after night, without expecting a single thing in return from me. (Until of course, he did.)

I truly coasted - I stumped my own growth - and now I face the disadvantage I've not anticipated for such negligence.

Certain friends I thought were friends? Perhaps they thought I used to be worth the small inconveniences of my less than ideal personality so long as they were seen with me. They put up with me and never shared their true judgements. I assume they didn't think I was that oblivious because their resent and envy finally did become apparent. And other friends were never real friends, only interested in the promise of romantic banter - a side effect of my quick witt and even quicker smile. Who cared that I was distracted and disorganized? Unkempt occasionally and slow to planning, late and without a dime in her pocket?

If I was young? Pretty? Thin? And friendly?

I certainly didn't!

Why?

I spent my childhood and early teens going in and out of poor self-esteem. I was not fair enough or bold enough or anything enough for my own liking. So I lacked confidence and direction and was overly cautious with opening up to anyone. Once I started to actually FAWN over myself, it was so enjoyable and freeing!

Like having the biggest crush of your life like you back!

I finally had the charisma (though rough around the edges) to pursue the boys I liked, and the patience, to not give up on getting a second chance. And giving up on that confidence no longer seemed a logical next step.

But YEAH - life happened anyways.

I moved away from my support system. My roommate hated me. I was running ridiculously low on funds, and my dreams hanged in the line. I had even less sleep than money, and I was having incredible difficulty retaining any skills or knowledge at school.

Like an overstretched spring, I did never bounce back from that.

Worse yet, I wasted my mid twenties on romantic daydreaming - viz limerence. My relationship paid heavy for it, and I had to eventually learn to assume responsibility for it. A process I was neither able to fully overtake without some dramatic health effects.

Now, in my late twenties, I have but to reflect that nobody treats me the same way.

I'm but a victim of my own success.

I am late to the game - to acquire diplomacy and advocacy but also wisdom to withdraw, and the tough skin to accept that not everyone will fawn.