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In my own image, I have never truly grown up. Nor do I ever really want to. Growing up brings with it the sense of realization that nothing is ever as it seems. There is less connotation of inherent beauty and innocence in everything you see and everyone you meet every day. The real world is cruel, and it is going to keep being cruel as long as more than four people co-exist in this world.
The summer of 2023 marked an end to one of the most traumatic chapters of my life. I had been living in constant abuse and held onto that abuse through an inexplicable sense of trauma bond until I burned myself out way off course that I wasn't able to hold on anymore.
This album was composed throughout the midnight walks I took over the course of 4 days on a personal trip to Singapore, a couple of days after I found out I had escaped the cycle of abuse and trauma I was oh so familiar with within recent living memory. It was inarguably the most emotionally and artistically significant walk I had ever taken, by a long shot. This walk was the sole kickstarter of my reconstruction, and the redefinition of my physical, mental, emotional, and artistic self. During the post-midnight walks, in attempts to reground myself and whatever was left of me, I consulted my closest people through many phone calls and long talks, all the while walking among the vibrant darkness of the Singaporean streets and rediscovering my artistic identity, one I thought I'd lost throughout almost 2 whole years of not picking up the camera for my own self-artistic fulfillment. I discovered that I had not been living under an innocent veil of love, affection, protection, comfort, and safety that I had originally thought. Instead, for the longest time already, the house had been severely aflame, and I had simply been self-tethered to the fire just to feel some bit of warmth I could savor. I had even set myself on fire just to keep the burning home ‘warm’, thinking anything could be fixed with just a bit more cozy care. I was controlled by the fire, and controlled by the desire to stoke the fire brighter and longer. Alas, the crackling fire burned itself onto my artistic canvas and I found myself lost on all fronts, especially on the fronts of art and personal identity. Left in the pile of ash, I found myself being rendered into a state of limbo. A space between chaos and order, a space between hot and cold, between black and white, between real and deception, between conflict and resolution, between loss and redirection. A liminal space.
Dragging my feet through this liminal space was an extremely taxing but fascinating experience. Using my camera and my own two eyes, I had to redefine myself, my vision, and reorganize the chaos and order in my life into a coherent progression and harmony. Taking back my own narrative, I had to rediscover my own inner voice and listen to how I told my own stories before, and how I can tell my story moving forward. I was given back my voice, now what do I really do with all this freedom and control? Do I scream? Do I roar? Do I whisper? Do I present? Or do I sing?
I decided to sing.
My melody was the combined work of healing, growth, and capturing art. My life became an art piece that I have been hard at work to refine. One result of which is this photographic album, comprising more than 600 raw photos shot and 2 months of post-processing that resulted in 114 photos, the best and most representative of which are chosen and portrayed here. Purely artistically, these are not meant to stand together in this album, but I had made an effort to portray each piece as its own standalone piece. The combined album signifies my collective story of recovery and discovery, and that might be considered a bigger piece in and of itself.
Composing this album, I drew much inspiration from American painter Edward Hopper's desolate depiction of the every day, highlighting inherent loneliness and solitude throughout every single frame of life. The "urban bubbles" influence from Hopper's work translated into the "isolated-frame" style of photography I have been growing towards ever since my own photographic album more than three years ago titled "Frames of the Abyss". I was also touched by the vibrance and multi-layered compositions of London-based photographer Joshua K. Jackson. His masterful crafting of psychological labyrinths throughout each of his individual frames, coupled with vibrant and soulful urban elements creates a unique harmony of the London seasonal rhythms. At the end of the day though, my photographic philosophical influence, the driving force behind the bulk of my artistic exploration came from the journey and the longforms of British photographer Sean Tucker. Discovering snippets of his trauma and life experiences that I can relate extremely well with, and following his two decades' worth of knowledge, trial and error, and explorations, both in terms of photography and life philosophy, I will always hold a lot of admiration for this piece of battle-worn artist and human, and will keep following this goliath of a personal influence for my years and years to come.
I don't know if I had lost my innocence throughout this experience.
One thing I’m sure about is that I have regained that child in me.
That child who finds beauty in every corner of the street.
That child who listens to every story and appreciates every frame of reference among the abyss of human life.
That child I’ve long lost and recently found.
I am welcoming him back home with my arms wide open.
I will never let him go again.